I met up with Felix a couple days ago. We met at the halfway point between us now that he lives in WV and I in MD.
I met up first with my friend, Ginnie, for coffee because she happens to live in the town that is exactly halfway between us. Tim does too… But, alas, no coffee or whatever with Tim due to him apparently never checking his messages.
After that, Felix and I met up and went to a pub for lunch… We had intended to hang out/picnic at a park, but it became a rainy day instead… So, we ended up spending about 8 hours there in the pub. Ate a little, had a few drinks, and caught up on each other’s lives. Reminisced/filled in a few holes in each other’s memories. His long-term memories have more holes than mine because – as he put it – he had “stoner” brain.
He had brought my book with post-it notes scattered throughout where he had questions or commentary, so we went through that as well. He made a few very astute observations about how I worded certain things… suspecting I meant exactly what it sounded like, but… maybe at times, hoping I was just using a turn of phrase.
“152 insights into my SOUL” is what I keep hearing in Meg Ryan’s voice in my head as I try to come up with the words to explain some of these observations… Anyone else’s mother watch “You’ve Got Mail” on loop in the late 90s/early 00s? LOL
“You say ‘allowed’ here,” he stated. “Does that mean you didn’t want to?”
Anyway, I won’t go into every bit here, but I do want to record a few things so that I don’t forget now that my short-term memory is crap.
We figured out why I couldn’t recall a particular play he remembers doing and was so sure I would have been involved… and I just don’t remember. It was because I couldn’t take theatre in year 1 and he did it in year 1 in theatre class. I had to take art because I started in IB for the 1st semester, and had to wait to transfer to the ES line before I could have the theatre option. That explains why we both recall the female theatre teacher – I just wasn’t in her class with him until year 2, then she left and we did year 3 with an Irish man, Mr Clarke.
I remembered suddenly that he had stolen an advertisement from the T-bana for me… When the cancer foundation had cigarette packets being held like guns that said “Pang, du är död.” (Bang, you’re dead.) Because I had said I liked them/thought it was clever. He even got the Camels packet one because that’s what I smoked. He didn’t recall it specifically, but agreed that’s something he would have done had he heard me say I liked it.
He said he had remembered me as having a relationship with Ben. He was friends with Ben and JP – having been to middle school with JP and hanging out smoking weed with them somewhere just off of campus some days. He was sure I’d recall that location… I don’t think I ever went there. After the mention of it, I have a vague sense that I had known about it at some point. But if it was true that Ben didn’t want to “ruin” my life, I am sure that he probably didn’t bring me along there for a similar reason. He never offered me drugs, never invited me along to parties where he and his friends did drugs… Anyway, when Felix said “I thought you and Ben were together,” or something along those lines, I said…
“No… I mean… We dated… Went out together… But we were never officially together. I didn’t put other men on hold for him, like when I was with Fredrik, I was with Fredrik; or when I was with Ulrich, I was with Ulrich. Not Ben… but in between other guys, we were… seeing each other.”
…And we had talked about it. By the time he got his head out of his ass it was too late. I was graduating and moving away. If we had made it official when it was first brought up, we could have potentially had up to a full year or a little over, “officially.”
But he ruined it on purpose then… and then… it was too late.
I told Felix how, after reading the book’s original manuscript, my friend, Judy, had said to me, “You were really in love with Ben, weren’t you?” Judy, of course, had never met Ben. Judy was a friend I met much later in life. But Felix had met Ben. He seems to agree with Judy’s assessment.
“Were you?” He asked.
To be honest… Probably. I wouldn’t have admitted it, or likely, didn’t even realize it as such at the time. But even if I ever did realize it, I wouldn’t have admitted it.
“Because of your past?” He said.
“Yeah,” I said. “Probably.”
Anyway… He also pointed out to me that certain men lied to me about condoms not fitting/being too tight. He also said he was sure Jimmy had lied about not having a condom in the first place and questions whether Jimmy had actually kept it on once he did have one.
I think he felt bad for poor little naivë Emma lol… “I know that now!” I said regarding the too-tight claim. I told him David had said the same, though I hadn’t recorded that particular instance in the book. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s/early 30s before I saw some videos/pictures showing girls pull them over feet and stretch over their forearms when I remembered the instances past and as the realization came over me, I thought “Those motherfuckers!!”
We talked about speaking Swedish, and I said that I try to keep up with it, but I still feel embarrassed when I have to pause to recall words, so I felt hesitant to converse in Swedish. And… Maybe I felt like I was supposed to be defiant with him still about it, too. Haha.
But I understood just fine when he spoke it. And like, when I was at Ulice’s party I could converse but it often ended up more like Swenglish; I do just fine and am less embarrassed with the shops and restaurants, etc when I’m out and about there. Less embarrassed when I’m drinking too, I suppose.
My daughter does want to start learning Swedish this summer, so I’ll brush up more while I help her.
I told him how Maja recalls me being better at Swedish than her back in Gymnasium and that she wished she was as good as me at it… But that I didn’t feel like I was that good. I felt she was better, tbh… but it was probably more so that I was shy about it thinking I’d fuck up and be embarrassed. She was more readily speaking it without being shy about it. He said that is why he would have gotten on my case about speaking Swedish, because he knew I was good at it/fully capable.
He also says he recalls bugging me to quit smoking in gymnasium. I had a handful of friends that did that, at various times. He said he had the sense that I took up smoking more to be cool around Ben and his friends, so that’s why he bugged me to quit at the time. I dunno… maybe to an extent?
But, I told him, my first cigarette had not been in Sweden. I smoked a bit in Ethiopia prior to moving to Sweden… Though I was hardly addicted in any sense of the word. It was a lot harder for me to have places to smoke without my parents knowing then. The same being when I was in Frederick in the interim between Ethiopia and Sweden. I know I never had Tim or Louis invite me to go with to the smoking bridge, and Justin didn’t smoke… So I don’t think I did at all during those 6 months.
So… I picked it back up in Sweden… I used to like the smell of fresh smoke. I would enjoy it… but it may very well have been started back up more for being viewed as cool. I can’t recall specific motivations at this point. So Felix may have been somewhat correct about that. But I do still smoke socially, mostly. I smoke with Maja when I visit. I smoke at parties/when I’m drinking… so it’s not still a “I hope Ben thinks I’m cool” motivation if it ever was.
He asked why he had the ‘honor’ of being invited to my house so early on (year 1) when my book clearly states that Fredrik and Ben never were… and in particular, I stated I didn’t want Ben to meet my parents.
Felix recently had the realization that I grew up in an evangelical household, and it dawned on him why my father seemed nervous that Felix was there… lol. Like Ulice and Maja, he only recalls my father… not my mother.
I told him it was because he didn’t come as a romantic interest of mine, I guess. Ben… there was so much about Ben my parents wouldn’t have liked. Fredrik, thinking back, I probably avoided it more because he was atheist, and I didn’t want that lecture if they happened to find that out. It was much easier to go to Fredrik’s empty apartment and avoid parents all together. Maybe if we had dated longer, he would have eventually come over.
We looked through his yearbooks. I don’t think I realized – though I must have known at the time – that Fredrik failed 2nd year. Felix didn’t even remember Fredrik being in 2nd year with us – Fredrik had been in Felix’s class along with Ulice… But Ulice said that Fredrik had been left to his own devices after his parents divorced and that he just rarely showed up, thus failed. That would explain why Felix didn’t remember him being there — it’s not ALL the weed’s fault, lol. I do recall the vague sense that he was being neglected by his parents in our Gymnasium days.
Anyway, Felix has entrusted his yearbooks to me so I can scan/copy them all for myself. Since mine were all lost in hurricane Katrina… And perhaps to ensure we meet up again, lol.
We missed the chance this time to be twinsies in our matching Ikea bag hats… so obviously, another visit will be in order anyway 🤣
EmmaTiger 