For all the stress, post traumatic stress that is, with the David moving near by it hadn’t occurred to me that Wyatt would be somewhat close by as well. I knew he lived in the next state over, at least he did the last time I had communicated with him 10 or 12 years ago… but it hadn’t actually dawned on me that it was actually the next state over or that he’d be in a similar regional-radius.
So last week when I ruminated on David’s locality over the holidays, and was working on my newest manuscript related to them both – it lead me to think about Wyatt’s locality. I decided to see if I could figure it out…. and long story short, I did. There’s not a lot of an internet foot print for him, and I would never pay money for any of those background check sites… but there was just enough to be found. Turns out, he lives in a town like 15 or 20 mins from my state. Luckily it’s on a more northern border so he’d still be a couple hours away which is at least a bit further (double-ish the distance) away than David.
I also found out that he apparently at some point went to school to become a gun smith. So, that’s fun… I mean, that doesn’t actually worry me. But it gave me an ick feeling when I read that.
The thing with Wyatt is that I definitely had undiagnosed PTSD from him, but it didn’t escalate to the I-feared-for-my-life state that it got to with David. I’m not as likely to cross paths with Wyatt and I highly doubt he’d try to find me if he even ever realized I am this close now. It was so so long ago now.
Of course he did tell me he still loved me 15 or so years after we had broken up, so who really knows.
Anyway, I’ve been putting off the writing of my manuscript the past couple of weeks. I got about 2/3 of it done, with the middle therapy portion just outlined with notes. Even after writing so much in the first few days, and re-writing the stories – and trying really hard to pause and make sure that the details were improved, the memories in my head being described more thoroughly to paint the most accurate and effective pictures I could… Which isn’t that difficult honestly, especially with the David stuff – because the thing about PTSD is the memories are coded in the brain as not-memories, but current occurrences, essentially.
Realizing this made me feel *a little* better – as in not so pathetic – that I still think about this shit and that it all still affects me so much sometimes. At least, overall, it is so much better than it used to be. Not generally as intense, usually.
To get back on topic, now the therapy sections of the manuscript I want to write just feel so much more difficult to do. I have to think harder. I have to remember all the different mental health journey things/discoveries I’ve gone through the last 8 years.
Turns out, the most recent studies are showing that PTSD affects subsequent memories – making PTSD sufferers have memory disparities making it more difficult to remember every day things. Huh, I thought I was just more forgetful in these past several years because I became a mom shortly after David. You know, “mom brain” and all that. Turns out, clinically I have a reason for being so forgetful. To be honest, I’m sure there’s mom brain and of course my ADHD mixed in anyway – so my short term memory doesn’t really stand a chance.
Luckily, I’ve written a lot over these past 8 years so I can go back and read to get some recall for a lot of things. But I know I haven’t written down every conversation or thought I had regarding my mental health. I guess what I’m trying to communicate, is that I’m concerned that this part of the manuscript wouldn’t be as fully accurate, fully informative, and/or as interesting as I would hope it would be because I might forget essential things. I’m concerned I won’t be satisfied with how it turns out in the end. That I’ll publish and then realize I forgot something that feels very important to convey/include and I’ll be annoyed with myself.
So, I’ve been putting it off.
And now I’ve written two blog posts (the previous one and this one) over the last day instead of working on the manuscript again… and now… It’s bedtime. Maybe tomorrow then.
EmmaTiger 